How To Use An Apostrophe

Ok, not to be all high, mighty, and douchey, but it really drives me crazy when people don't know how to use an apostrophe.

Here are the basics:

• Use an apostrophe to make something possessive.  For example, you could say:
• I like how floppy Jacquie's ears are.
  
• Your mom's mole is really hairy.
  
• Use an apostrophe for a contraction, for example:
• I can't live without the internet.
  
• Your face isn't your strongest feature.
  
• I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last man on earth.
  
• Do NOT, under any circumstances, use an apostrophe just to make something plural.  Simply add an "s" or an "es," for example you would say:
• I could eat three million tacos.  (NOT taco's)
  
• I am going to get my nails done.  (NOT nail's)
  
• I am sick and tired of your bullshit lies. (NOT lie's)
  
• The Exception:  Its and It's.  If you are trying to make the word "it" possessive, don't use an apostrophe.  (This is the only exception to the rule that I can think of for now.)
  

• Plural and possessive:  This is when things can get a little hairy for some.  If you want to make a noun plural and possessive, you add an "s" or "es" and an apostrophe at the end.  For example:
• All of the dogs' tails wag vigorously.
• The Kardashians' asses are large and in charge.

If you are still having trouble with this, I recommend getting a good reference book on how to use punctuation.  The Elements of Style is the one I recommend.

Next Week:  They're, There, Their, Your, and You're

PS - I should write a fucking textbook!